Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Well folks, this is incredible. After only a year of doing this silly little movie blog, I've gotten to do something that I could never have imagined.

I was sitting in my humble North Hollywood apartment when I heard a sudden violent rapping on my window. I opened it up and to my utter surprise a brown and white owl burst into my room! I quickly grabbed some owl food I keep in my pantry and laid it out on my bed for the owl to enjoy. I then noticed a parcel that he kept clutched in his talons, and he must've noticed my noticing because he dropped it right in my hand a moment after I saw it.

It was a letter, addressed to "Jacob's Side of the Room." I peeled it from its seal and read it aloud to myself. It/I said: "Hello, Jacob. I hope this letter finds you well. I'm a big fan of your work and I've heard you're a fan of mine as well. I know you've read all of the Harry Potter series and are really trying to find time to read The Casual Vacancy and all the Robert Galbraith novels, but it's hard with all of the vague staring into the distance while listening to podcasts that you have to do. Since you're such a big fan, and you're on the Harry Potter-themed long-form improv team called Hogwash that plays every month in Santa Ana, CA, which I can find out more about on bestcoastimprov.com, it only seems fair that I repay you, since my putting something creative out into the world automatically means I owe something to everyone who knows that it exists. How would you like to come to my mansion in Edinburgh and have a chat? Let me know whenevsies. - J.K. Rowling"

I couldn't believe it. I've always loved Harry Potter and the fact that she knew about my amazing improv show that's only $5 and has tickets available at bestcoastimprov.com completely blew my mind. I hastily scrawled out my acceptance of her invitation on a napkin and gave it back to the owl, who was now checking out my movie collection with an overwhelming admiration in its eyes, as if to say "This must be the coolest guy in the world."

He hoo'd goodbye and, after a few anticipation-filled days, finally returned to my front door with a letter addressed to "The Couch That Jacob Sometimes Falls Asleep at for 30 Minutes While Watching a Movie But Still Reviews It Anyway." I ripped open the letter and my eyes filled with tears of pure, unbridled excitement at her response: "K. - J.K."

As soon as I had touched the letter, I felt a sudden rush, blinked, and found myself standing in J.K. Rowling's foyer. She welcomed me to her home and, after giving me a change of pants, showed me to the kitchen, where a lovely dinner was waiting for me. It was catering from a local Scottish restaurant called McDonald's. It tasted familiar, like something I have every single night at home, but the context made it all the more delicious.

Right about now is when I should let you know that I saw the film Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald this past weekend, which Rowling herself wrote. It takes place in the Harry Potter universe, and even features some important Harry Potter players, including Albus Dumbledore, Nicolas Flamel, Gellert Grindelwald, Nagini, and Minerva McGonagall, who was amazingly at Hogwarts seven years before she was born.

I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to combine my world with Rowling's, to get a glimpse into her creative process and share it with you all. So here it is, dear reader, here is J.K. Rowling at the Movie Party:

JN: While you're finishing up those McNuggets, I'd love to discuss the newest Fantastic Beasts film.

JKR: (dabbing her mouth delicately) By all means.

JN: The first film is called "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" and this next film starts with "Fantastic Beasts", which implies the rest of the title. But after watching both of them I still don't feel like I know where to find very many fantastic beasts. Was this not meant to be an educational documentary series a la Planet Earth but for discovering magical creatures?

JKR: No, it wasn't.

JN: Great, that's actually good to hear.

JKR: Glad I could help.

JN: So, I have some questions about the movie.

JKR: Alright, let's hear them.

JN: Is Nicolas Flamel going to continue to be a part of this series? And if so, are you going to continue hiring Teddy Perkins from Atlanta to play him?

JKR: Well, he didn't die in this film, so it's safe to say he'll probably keep coming back. Although I could change my mind later and decide he's dead already.

JN: On the topic of you changing your mind, you decided to give the character Jacob his memory back in this film despite making a very conscious decision to obliviate him in the first one. Was there a reason for this?

JKR: Oh, yes. Jacob was the source of comic relief in the first film, and after my first draft of Grindelwald I realized I had completely forgotten to add humor to it, so I decided to reinsert Jacob into the film by just sort of squeezing him in there.

JN: Speaking of which, this film features the bold choice of making Jacob's girlfriend Queenie an insane rapist who emotionally manipulates and abuses him.

JKR: I don't hear a question.

JN: Oh, no, it was just a compliment.

JKR: Thank you.

JN: Of course. Moving on to my next question, why did you decide to make Ezra Miller's character, Creedence Clearwater Revival, a new Dumbledore?

JKR: Well, as you know this is a prequel series.

JN: Oh yes, I got quite a few prequel flashbacks.

JKR: Excellent. Well, when you're writing a prequel it's hard to make it interesting because the audience already knows where the story is going to eventually end up.

JN: Absolutely. That's why prequels are pointless and stupid and only exist to scam people out of their hard-earned money.

JKR: Exactly. So, in order to trick people into thinking they're watching something new and interesting, you sometimes have to make surprise additions to the story that you can hopefully tie up before the series is over.

JN: So every new character that shows up will inevitably have to die at some point, because otherwise you'll have to justify why they aren't around by the time the Harry Potter timeline starts.

JKR: They won't necessarily have to die.

JN: I think they do.

JKR: No.

JN: You have some fun moments in Grindelwald that only an eagle-eyed fan will notice. Things like the Sorcerer's Stone, Hogwarts, Dumbledore, magic, and a cameo by Professor McGonagall, despite this taking place in 1927 when you already stated she was born in 1934.

JKR: Yes, isn't that amazing?

JN: Unbelievably so. I just wanted to say that as a fan, I felt very serviced. Thank you.

JKR: You're very welcome.

JN: Walk me through how you made the decision to feature so many different plot threads. Off the top of my head I can think of ten, including: the Newt/Queenie/Tina love triangle, Creedence Clearwater Revival's journey, Grindelwald's crimes, Queenie's dealing with mindreading, Queenie and Jacob's relationship, Lovely Leta's feelings, Newt's brother doing stuff, Dumbledore working at Hogwarts, Newt's mission that Dumbledore gave him, and that suspicious guy with the hat that doesn't really go anywhere.

JKR: That's eleven.

JN: I am so sorry.

JKR: It's quite alright. As you know, I'm an author.

JN: Please don't assume I know that.

JKR: I am so sorry.

JN: It's quite alright.

JKR: I've written one other screenplay, that being the last Fantastic Beasts film, which I believe justified my needing absolutely no help in writing this one.

JN: Makes sense.

JKR: So I used by authorial instincts to have a lot going on the whole time instead of keeping it simple and streamlined like screenplays are preferred to be since they're being written for a visual medium.

JN: Yes, I loved the decision to have so many conversations at boring tables in boring rooms.

JKR: Thank you.

JN: I have some questions about the directorial decisions, but I don't suppose David Yates would be here to answer them.

Right at this moment who else but David Yates walked into the dining room, wearing a night cap and bathrobe.

DY: (yawning) Hello, Jacob. Big fan of your work.

JN: Thank you so much, David. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?

DY: Not at all.

He sat down at the table, between J.K. and I.

JN: First of all, it seems like you're living here. Could you elaborate on that?

DY: Of course. I'm hiding.

JN: Ah, yes. So I've got some questions about the visual aspects of Grindelwald.

DY: Go for it.

JN: What was the reason for replacing wizard robes with boring suits and making the color palette for this film grey and completely miserable?

DY: Well, Harry Potter was a series for children, but Fantastic Beasts is a series for adults.

JN: It's about a whimsical magic man who's studying adorable animals by keeping them as pets in a zoo in his house.

DY: Yes. So in order to match this dark and gritty tone, we decided to light the film poorly and desaturate it in editing.

JN: I noticed some issues with the cinematography, like almost never being able to tell where we are or what's going on, and having close-ups that completely cut off the actors' foreheads.

DY: I'm a bit of a purist, so I wanted to make sure the visuals were exactly as confusing as the screenplay. As for those close-ups, all of the actors in the film are very self-conscious about their foreheads, so we created what we call "frame bangs."

JN: The cast is obviously full of amazing, talented people and Johnny Depp, but I noticed the acting was very subtle, almost as if no one in the movie wanted to be in it.

DY: Yes, that was my decision. As I've said before, this series is very adult, and adults forget how to feel happiness and therefore never smile or laugh or have a brief flash of humanity on their faces.

JN: Can't argue with that. The young Hogwarts students seem to be having fun though. What was the thought behind giving them modern haircuts when this is a 1920's period piece?

DY: That was to make them look cool.

JN: It worked.

DY: Thank you. I'm gonna go back to bed.

JN: See ya.

JKR: Bye.

DY: Bye.

David Yates shuffled back to bed, leaving J.K. and I alone once again.

JN: Can I be completely honest, J.K. Rowling?

JKR: Please, call me J.K. Simmons.

JN: I'd rather not.

JKR: Go on.

JN: I really didn't like this movie. It completely misses what made Harry Potter timeless and successful. It was never about the magic or the creatures, those are just decorations. It was about the magical world, the three-dimensional characters, and the strong relationships those characters had with each other.

JKR: Look again.

JN: What?

JKR: Check your blu-ray copies of the Harry Potter movies you own.

Confused, I pulled out all of my Harry Potter blu-rays that I keep with me just in case. I walked over to J.K. Rowling's impressive home theater and popped in the first movie. I couldn't believe what happened next.

The opening sequence appeared on the screen, but it wasn't how I remembered it. The vivid colors and sense of fun were gone. The film was now grey and the actor's emotions had been digitally removed. The wands were replaced with walkie talkies, and there was a new scene with Jabba the Hut.

JN: I don't understand.

JKR: I changed it. It's better now.

JN: But I loved the original. Everyone loved the original. Why would you do this?

JKR: It's what all of the modern summer blockbuster films are doing. They're either grey and sad or they're colorful but disingenuous. I chose the first option.

JN: But Harry Potter is one of the most successful franchises of all time, why not just stop while you're ahead? You already have everything you could ever want!

JKR: It gives me control, Jacob. It's why I use Pottermore to just straight-up make stuff up about my own series despite it already being finished.

JN: Look, I'm sure Da Vinci would still want to add some extra brush strokes to the Mona Lisa, but once something is published it belongs to the public. Art is never finished, it's taken away from the artist, and it has to be that way because otherwise no one would ever share their art because it would never be quite perfect enough, and then we'd live in a world without art.

From on top of my soapbox I could see something behind J.K. Rowling: a family photo. Only her children and husband looked different now. They had all had their heads replaced with the head of beloved singer/songwriter Morrissey.

JN: Wait. Since when does every member of your family look like Morrissey?

JKR: Since I decided they did. I love Morrissey so I wanted them to look like him.

JN: But you can't do that, they're already the way they are! They can have surgery to look more like Morrissey if they want, but you're certainly not allowed to just change them against their will.

JKR: EVERYTHING IS WHAT I WANT IT TO BE!

J.K. Rowling pulled out a wand from her pocket and shot me across the room, into her TV. Every bone in my body was broken.

JN: Why...why are you doing this to me...?

JKR: I didn't like your A Matter of Life and Death review.

JN: Well, I could always see it again. Maybe I'd change my mind.

JKR: Now you're talking my language.

She helped me up, repaired my broken bones, and sent me back home through her fireplace.

I'm now in my living room, jotting down my thoughts on the other two movies I saw last week. I haven't kept in contact with J.K. Rowling, and I'm sure she's met with so many people since then she won't even remember me, which is why you shouldn't bother asking her if any of this happened.

But I'll never forget my dinner with J.K. Rowling.

Thanks for reading.